Tangled

It was Jessica’s birthday this weekend and to celebrate, Helen came down from Edinburgh.  She was asked at work what she was doing for her sister’s birthday and said, “We’re going to see the new Disney film, Tangled, and them we’re going to Pizza Hut.”  Great, was the reply.  How old is your sister? About twelve?

Err.. No.  Double that and you’ll get the right sort of figure.  The thing is, everyone, by and large, enjoys pizza (I remember this exotic new food being introduced in the Seventies!) and you must have a heart of stone if you don’t enjoy Disney.

Tangled is really good. Not, perhaps, up there with Aladdin, Beauty and The Beast and Little Mermaid but that’s a pretty high standard.  It’s the story of Rapunzel, of course, a puzzling sort of story.  I remember as a kid thinking that it must hurt poor old Rapunzel to have the Witch and the Prince clambering up her hair and I’m glad to say in the film she ties it round a sort of pulley arrangement before anyone starts doing gymnastics. It’s a good story with some very funny lines, looks wonderful, and has a scene with floating magic lanterns which is just beautiful.

However… I could have done with the Evil Witch being a jolly sight more evil.  I wanted cackling and gloating and gleeful over-the topness, just like Ursula in Little Mermaid or, perhaps the grandmother of all evil witches, the Wicked Queen in Snow White. One of the many satisfying things about Harry Potter is how completely evil Voldermort is.

I’m not giving away too much of the story when I say that Tangled’s Wicked Witch is your average Old Crone who, by the magic in Rapunzel’s hair, is granted Youth and Beauty.  Only she’s more 30-oddish and not that stunning.  And that’s all she wants.  Why?

It might seem a bit of an Ur? Dur? Question, but Youth and Beauty isn’t really enough.  The WW from Snow White wanted Y+B so she could be the powerful Wicked Queen.  Ursula is after power too and  the magnificent originator of these seekers after Y+B, Rider Haggard’s She, wanted to be eternally young so she could stick around long enough for the boyfriend to turn up.  (He was last seen in Ancient Greece, so no one could accuse her of inconstancy!) The trouble with Tangled’s WW is that she was more like Wilma from Desperate Housewives or Tyra Banks being Fierce on America’s Next Top Model than genuinely scary.  (One of Tyra Bank’s lines really is genuinely more scary; Who will be eliminated tonight? Makes you think a bit, that.)

Maybe the Disney people wanted to tone down the scariness, but I think they just didn’t think her motivation through enough.  It’s worth keeping in mind if you’re thinking out your own story.  What does the villian want?

But I enjoyed Tangled. And Jessica had a lovely birthday.

B.U.G.

I intended to write about my usual busy, glamorous, jet-setting life-style this week, but the wheel came off the wagon as I got struck by a B.U.G.  That’s a Beastly Unyielding Germ.  Lots of B.U.G.’s in fact, as there’s always more than one. Yeah, right, know the type.  They gang up. Bullies. S’not fair.  There’s more of them than me.

As Lucy, who’s studying Biology informed me, the B.U.G.s multiply, then the antibodies kick in and the site of all this bio-chemical warfare (aka Me) is left feeling like a battlefield; sort of flat and chewed up.

I had all the usual symptoms as listed on the box of Tesco's Max Strength Cold And Flu capsules – tiredness, headache, copious amounts of self-pity – but what the box didn’t mention was a severe outbreak of Poetry.

I always asked the kids to share

Their toys, (when young) their books and hair

Products, such as spray and straighteners and shampoo

Unfortunately, they’ve also shared the flu.

I spent last week mainly in bed

With aching limbs and pounding head

Caught from my open-hearted daughter

But germs are things you shouldn’t ought-ter

Share.

It started with Jenny’s tonsillitis

I looked down her throat and saw what the plight-is

Or was; because she is now quite well

And I am feeling not so swell

Or great. Or good. Or fighting fit.

I don’t like this virus one little bit.

So having done naught* all week through

I’m rather apt to feel blue

I wish I didn’t have the flu.

*I know nobody says “Naught” anymore (if they ever did) but this Poetry, right?

Officious 2007 - Help!

Here’s a request to anyone who uses Microsoft 2007.  I’ve just installed it on my computer and it looks very nice, but it doesn’t behave in quite the same way as my tried and tested Word 2003.  One thing in particular is bugging me.  I don’t want this bossy system to leave a space between paragraphs.  And it does. Here’s one coming up now.  Arrrrgh!!!

Yes, yes, yes, I know!  Spaces are left between paragraphs when you’re writing a letter, a commercial letter, that is, but books aren’t letters and I want to write books.  And this blog.  And all sorts of other things that don’t start with:  “Dear Sir, thank you for your letter of the 4^th instant which I now have safely to hand,” and end with: “I beg to remain your most obedient and respectful servant, Yours sincerely…” etc etc.

I only changed over from the old Word because the system, which has worked more or less perfectly for ages started sulking and closing down and going off to hang round with the other Types (or Fonts) in corners with a brief “Word has encountered a problem and has to close” message.

So how the dickens do I get Word 2007 to believe I’m using their all singing, all dancing system with its pretty colours to write books and not letters with and to stop acting like a badge-hungry Boy Scout who insists on helping old ladies across the road, whether they want to cross or not. To do, in short, what I  want it to do instead of what it thinks I want it to do?  At the moment, I’m thinking of re-labelling this “Officious 2007” as that’s what it’s being. Help everyone!  It’s driving me nuts.

Writing Magazine and the perfect submission letter

I don’t know if you’ve seen this month’s copy of Writing Magazine (although it’s January, it’s the one dated February!)  If you do – and it’s on sale all over the UK in big outlets such as WH Smith’s and so on – you’ll see an article by me in it. It’s called, “How I Got Published” and more or less does what it says on the tin, so to speak. The article is the start of what will be a regular series, where AN Author answers the only question any unpublished writer ever wants to ask:  how did you do it? Luck? Magic? Bribery?

The thing is, there’s no one single answer and the various articles charting the path to publication will make interesting and surprisingly varied reading.  However, somewhere along the line, the chances are you’ll need a submission letter.  I mentioned this in the WM piece, because I was lucky enough to attend a workshop given by a leading agent, Simon Trewin, on how to write the perfect submission letter. I didn’t have space in the article to go into the detail, so here it is.  The bits in italics are culled from Simon Trewin.  The example letter is all mine…

How To Write A Submission Letter

Tell them what you're sending and why you're sending it to them.

For example:

Dear Agent X,

The Bible by God.  774,750 words

I enclose the first three chapters, the blurb and the synopsis of my book, The Bible, which is part history, part ethics, part philosophy and a guide to Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About The Afterlife But Were Afraid To Ask.

I am sending it to you as I can see from your website you represent other historical, philosophical, ethical and religious authors/Your author, Eweshould B. Solucky, recommended you/Insert other reason here.

Brief thumbnail description of the material here.



For example:

The Bible describes the history of the world as seen through the eyes of an ancient Middle-Eastern people, charting their loves, lives, conquests and failures. It ends as we look forward to a new life in a new world.  Or, as Oscar Wilde, one of my readers put it: "It starts with a man and woman in a garden and ends with revelations."

Why you wrote it.  Show the agent you're passionate about your work.

For example:

I wrote The Bible because I wanted the human race (to which so many of my readers belong) to justify my ways to Man, as John Milton might say.

Possible markets - who it will appeal to.

For example:

The Bible will be of interest to historians, philosophers, those interested in a practical guide to Ark-building or has ever wondered what to do when faced with a plague of locusts or frogs, plus domestic tips such as exactly how to remove that troublesome Writing on the Wall and everyone who’s ever Wanted To Know About The Afterlife But Were Afraid To Ask.

Nice things people have said about your work.



For example:

A wide range of people have commented on The Bible. Abraham Lincoln said, “It is the best book which God has given to Man,” the poet Samuel Taylor (“The Ancient Mariner” and Kubla Khan”) Coleridge stated that “For more than a thousand years The Bible has gone hand in hand with civilization, science and law,” and the American comedienne, Elayne Boosler, reflected on how it is a mirror of some very human failings: “My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Your letter should be on one page only. If you’ve got space, add a brief biographical bit.  If it’s relevant to your book (eg if you’ve written a crime story and you’re a policeman definitely put it in but it’ll probably come in the “Why I wrote it” section.

Otherwise you can leave it out.



For example:

I am the Almighty, the All-Knowing, the perfect and omnipotent and omniscient originator and ruler of the universe; the object of worship in monotheistic religions and the still, small voice of calm.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours, with all best wishes,

God.

Plum and Ginger Jam

I’ve been making jam this week and it’s absolutely perfect for a last-minute Christmas present.  (Another perfect last-minute present is one of my books, but I’ll leave that up to you!  As well as a Christie for Christmas what about a Haldean for the Holidays…?)

Anyway, back to jam.  I made it in the microwave, and the actual jam-boiling process was dead easy.  It needs to be left to cool down overnight, but once it has cooled, all it needs is a pretty label and there you go!  I “tweaked” a recipe for plum jam, adding some ideas of my own and the result was brilliant.  It’s got an adult, sophisticated taste with real depth to it.  (I know this sounds like dopey food talk, but it’s true!)

The whole process takes about an hour, including chopping the fruit.

Don’t double up the quantities.  If you want more, do the process twice!

To make two one pound jars of plum jam, you’ll need:

2 lbs or 1 kilo of plums.

2  lemons

1½ lbs of jam sugar

1 “finger” from a fresh ginger root



A microwave.

A food processor

2 1lb (or thereabouts) jam jars

Greaseproof/waxed paper circles to go on top of the jam



My microwave is 800 watt (E) but I’m sure any microwave will do.  For a lower wattage you might have to boil the jam for longer, but if it passes the “crinkle” test (described lower down) the jam is done.

Jam sugar is available from supermarkets.  It’s got added pectin, which makes the jam set.

Before you start, sterilise the jars.  Put a little bit of water in both jars and give them a minute or so in the microwave.  Then take them out – carefully! – and put them in a warm oven on a low temperature to dry out and warm up.  If you’re using metal lids, put them in a saucepan and boil them for a little while to sterilise.

Put two saucers in the freezer.  This is to test the jam when it’s cooked and you need two in case the first try doesn’t work

Take the stones out of the plums.  You don’t have to take the skin off but you do need to remove the stones.  Chop the plums into quarters.

Peel the “finger” of the ginger root.  I used the back of my potato peeler, but a blunt knife will do it easily.  The peel slides off and your hands smell wonderful afterwards! Chop the peeled ginger into bits and put it in the food processor.

Peel the lemons and keep the bigger bits of the rind.  Chop the lemons, take out the pips, then whiz up the lemon bits and the ginger together in the food processor.

Put all the fruit, including the lemon rinds, into the microwave (uncovered) for about 6 minutes or so to warm up and start cooking.

Add the sugar and cook, uncovered, on High for 20 to 25 minutes.

Drop a little bit of jam on one of the chilled saucers and leave it to cool for half a minute or so.  If it’s cooked, then it should crinkle and stay separate when you run your finger through it.  Do be careful – boiling jam is very, very hot.  If it’s not done, give it a few more minutes.

Then fill up the warmed jars, discarding the lemon rinds.  Put the paper circles on the top, put the sterilised lids on and turn the jars upside-down for a minute to help the seal along.  Then turn them the right way up and leave them to cool where no one can touch them, as they will be very hot.    If you’re lucky, there’ll be some left over, so put it in a dish, leave it to set, make some toast and enjoy it!

I labelled my jars, packed them in a decorated box on a nest of hay, and they look terrific.  Happy Christmas, everyone!

Off The Record

If you'd like to know more about what lies behind the story of my latest book, OFF THE RECORD, I'm delighted to say that my good friend, Jane Finnis, has invited me as her guest on her blog today to talk about the story behind the story.  Go to www.janefinnis.com

While you're there, do take a look at Jane's books, too.  They're an excellent series of mysteries set in Ancient Roman Yorkshire.  The background is terrific and the stories are gripping. The heroine of all three books, Aurelia, is someone you'll enjoy spending time with.

The picture, by the way, is one I love, depicting  just how attractive and warm those early Radio Days of the world of OFF THE RECORD were.  It's amazing how deceptive a picture can be....

Rudolf Buns And Seeds

You’re looking at a Rudolf bun.  I made about three dozen of them for our church Christmas Fair yesterday and – I’m glad to say – every one of them found a youthful owner!  As you can see, Rudolf has the requisite red nose, which is either due to severe cold (it’s parky up in Finland) or (and this is, perhaps, the reason for Rudolf being shunned by his fellow reindeer) he’s been a bit too free with the Christmas drinks.  Either way, old Rudy makes a very nice bun.

The antlers are made out of toffee. The antlers were bigger, but my Dad dropped the bun and poor old Rudolf suffered a bit. If I was making more Rudolf buns, and especially in the industrial quantities I churned them out, I think I’d use chocolate mint sticks, as the antlers were easily the hardest part. I know reindeers shed their antlers, but , even without Dad's help, Rudy did it a bit too enthusiastically for my liking!  Daughter Jessica roped herself in a fellow deer herdsman and she ran a sort of reindeer antler production line, as I melted the toffee in the microwave and she made antler shapes on a glass worktop with a wooden spatula.

Melting toffee in the microwave is dead easy.  A few toffees melt down in about 30 seconds or so, but put them in a glass Pyrex dish. I melted the bottom out of my plastic bowl very early on in the proceedings!

Still, it was all in a good cause.  I like the Christmas Fair.  It used to be called a Sale of Work years ago, which sounds a bit more earnest than a “fair” but it was always good fun, in that way things are fun when people have genuinely put some effort into things.   I and my friend Liz once starred as Santa’s fairies!  There’s still plenty of home-made stuff to buy, amongst the donations of unwanted gift, old books, DVD's and CD's, such as puddings, cakes and jams but the real money-spinners are the raffles and tombolas, of course.  One cert of a money maker is the whisky raffle, where a ticket is drawn when 20 tickets are sold.  Each ticket costs a pound, the whisky (bought wholesale) is about £10 or £11 a bottle, so that’s about 10 quid profit, there’s a good chance of winning and everyone’s happy!

It’s also a chance to catch up with old friends.  Joe was there, who I haven’t seen for a time.  He’s getting on a bit and has recently been in hospital.  He regaled everyone who would listen, as people are apt to do, with waaaay too much detail about having a camera inserted where the sun doesn't shine and the problems therein.  The trouble is, he’s been eating Healthy Bread.   You know the type – it’s organic and wholemeal and full of seeds.  The doctor operating the camera didn’t like the seeds.  The seeds were still all too visible and obscured the lens.  “All I can see,” said the doctor in reproof, “are seeds.”

“Never mind the seeds,” said Joe.  “Have you found the budgie yet?”