I was poking around in the attic yesterday and came across a copy of a book I used to love so much it was like finding an old pal. Less startling, perhaps, than actually finding an old pal sitting dustily in the attic, waiting patiently for me to arrive, but fun all the same.
It’s The Book Of Heroic Failures, which was published at the end of the 1970s, championing the utterly incompetent in all their rich variety. For instance, the most unsuccessful version of the Bible has to be the edition which was printed in 1631 by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas. It was peppered with mistakes but the most glaring was the omission of the word “Not” from the seventh commandment (the adultery one) which would add a whole new slant to the dos and don’ts of family life.
My favourite is though, is the section Law and Order. If we were having a real cup of tea/ glass of wine/hot Bovril/insert your favourite beverage here instead of a virtual cup of tea/ glass of wine/hot Bovril/insert your favourite beverage here together, I certainly tell you this tale, so consider yourself button-holed and sit back, sup up, and enjoy it.
In 1975, three bank robbers tackled the Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothsay. It went wrong from the beginning, when the got stuck in the revolving doors and had to be helped free by the bank staff. They sheepishly thanked everyone and left, to return a few minutes later and announced they were robbing the bank. The trouble is, none of the staff believed them. They demanded £5000, then, in the face of the head cashier’s increasing mirth, reduced the demand to £500, then to £50 and eventually to 50 pence. By this time the head cashier could hardly control herself for laughter.
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, fell awkwardly, and writhed around on the floor, clutching his ankle. The other two robbers made their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again, frantically pushing the wrong way.
Isn’t that wonderful?
Friday, February 24, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Trouble Brewing and Aristotle
I was poring over the proofs for the new book this week. I use the word ‘poring’ advisedly, because that’s one of the words I had to change. ‘Poring’ means to examine something closely (in this case, a dead body) whereas ‘Pouring’ refers to the cup of tea (or stiff whisky) the porer needs after having so pored.
You need to be on your toes when proof-reading. There’s all the usual stuff, such as random commas, missing scene breaks – they could really trip the reader up – and dialogue without speech marks. Spelling mistakes, as such, are rare, because of Microsoft Word’s handy little spelling tool which flags up a misspelling with a red line. However, you have to keep your eye on Word. A word can be spelt correctly, but still be the wrong word.
For instance, in ‘Trouble Brewing’
(Brilliant book! Order it now!) there’s a scene when a character is describing what happened to him in the war. (First World War, as the book’s set in the 1920’s) Anyway, he says that after being caught in a shell burst, he woke up in a casualty-clearing station. A casualty-clearing station, as you might know or can guess, was the first port of call for injured troops, a sort of MASH-type unit to deal with the immediate effects of injuries, from patching-up to referral to a permanent hospital.
Only my chap didn’t end up in a casualty-clearing station, he ended up (in the proofs) in a causality-clearing station. Whoops.
Now causality is associated with Aristotle, and brings a whole different slant to the scene. Naturally, I have Aristotle at my fingertips, as you would expect. (Okay, I checked on the internet!) but I had the idea that the poor bloke would encounter something like this:
“Hello, Doctor. I believe this is the causality-clearing station”
“Indeed it is, young man. Let me see, you have the Material cause, or the elements out of which an object is created, do you? Good, good.”
“Yes, Doctor. That would be this nasty hole with the bullet in it. It’s creating quite a pain in the… well, nevermind, but I’ll have to watch how I sit down for a bit.”
“I see. As a matter of fact, by referring to the aforesaid bullet hole, you are confusing the Material cause with the Efficient cause, or the means by which it is created. Guard against this!”
“So what do I do now?”
“Hmm. Have you formulated the Formal cause, or the expression of what it is?”
“Yes. I’ve got a pain in my Final cause, or the end for which it is.”
“In that case, take two aspirin and lie down. Next case! Hmm. I see you need your axioms testing…”
By the way, I came across a blog I really liked about Agatha Christie and how she’s not so cosy as some people think. Here it is:
http://at-scene-of-crime.blogspot.com/2011/11/rant-against-word-cozy.html
You need to be on your toes when proof-reading. There’s all the usual stuff, such as random commas, missing scene breaks – they could really trip the reader up – and dialogue without speech marks. Spelling mistakes, as such, are rare, because of Microsoft Word’s handy little spelling tool which flags up a misspelling with a red line. However, you have to keep your eye on Word. A word can be spelt correctly, but still be the wrong word.
For instance, in ‘Trouble Brewing’
(Brilliant book! Order it now!) there’s a scene when a character is describing what happened to him in the war. (First World War, as the book’s set in the 1920’s) Anyway, he says that after being caught in a shell burst, he woke up in a casualty-clearing station. A casualty-clearing station, as you might know or can guess, was the first port of call for injured troops, a sort of MASH-type unit to deal with the immediate effects of injuries, from patching-up to referral to a permanent hospital.Only my chap didn’t end up in a casualty-clearing station, he ended up (in the proofs) in a causality-clearing station. Whoops.
Now causality is associated with Aristotle, and brings a whole different slant to the scene. Naturally, I have Aristotle at my fingertips, as you would expect. (Okay, I checked on the internet!) but I had the idea that the poor bloke would encounter something like this:
“Hello, Doctor. I believe this is the causality-clearing station”
“Indeed it is, young man. Let me see, you have the Material cause, or the elements out of which an object is created, do you? Good, good.”
“Yes, Doctor. That would be this nasty hole with the bullet in it. It’s creating quite a pain in the… well, nevermind, but I’ll have to watch how I sit down for a bit.”
“I see. As a matter of fact, by referring to the aforesaid bullet hole, you are confusing the Material cause with the Efficient cause, or the means by which it is created. Guard against this!”
“So what do I do now?”
“Hmm. Have you formulated the Formal cause, or the expression of what it is?”
“Yes. I’ve got a pain in my Final cause, or the end for which it is.”
“In that case, take two aspirin and lie down. Next case! Hmm. I see you need your axioms testing…”
By the way, I came across a blog I really liked about Agatha Christie and how she’s not so cosy as some people think. Here it is:
http://at-scene-of-crime.blogspot.com/2011/11/rant-against-word-cozy.html
Friday, February 10, 2012
Microwave Jam
I've been busy in the kitchen this week making jam. You might think it’s a rum time of year to be making jam, but this isn’t fruit I’ve grown, it’s from the bargain section of Tesco’s. Maybe it’s something innately primitive, but I just love a bargain. Anyway, faced with three baskets of plums, I decided to turn them into jam. The advantage of making jam in the microwave is that you haven’t got a lot of burnt pans to clean and it’s very quick.
Here’s a recipe that I think is fairly bomb-proof.
First of all, you need a biggish microwave to take a biggish bowl. The bowl has to be sturdy, as the jam will get very hot. Pyrex is fine, but I use an old-fashioned mixing bowl, a pottery one with a glazed inside. I’d be iffy about using plastic.
Check if your fruit has enough pectin in it. Pectin is the natural “glue” that makes jam set. Here’s a link that should tell you the pectin content of your fruit.
http://susan-morris.suite101.com/natural-pectin-content-of-berry-and-tree-fruits-a106156
If it’s low in pectin, you can add a lemon. Cut it into quarters and add it to the mix – but not yet!
You need:
A microwave – mine’s 850
Oven gloves – the bowl is very hot so be careful!
Two saucers or small plates
A bowl
1 1lb of fruit
1 1lb (or maybe just a bit less) of granulated sugar
A lemon
About two or three clean jars with lids.
Okay, here goes:
Put two saucers in the freezer. You’ll need them for testing the jam.
Chop the fruit, remove stones and stalks etc, and weigh it.
With a tidgy bit of water give it about 6 minutes at full power.
Take the bowl out of the microwave and add the same weight (or perhaps just a bit less) of sugar.
If necessary, add the quartered lemon.
Microwave at full power for 20-22 minutes, giving it a stir every now and then.
Now you have to test it. Take the cold saucer and spoon a bit of jam onto it. Leave it a minute or so, then see if it’s set. If it is set, the surface should wrinkle when it’s touched. If it’s not set, give the jam another 3 or 4 minutes. That’s where the second saucer comes in!
Then warm and sterilize the jars. The easiest way to do this is to put about a tablespoon of water in each jar and microwave the jars for a minute.
Then empty out the now hot water and spoon the jam into the warm jars. Put the lids on and bingo! Home made jam.
Here’s a recipe that I think is fairly bomb-proof.
First of all, you need a biggish microwave to take a biggish bowl. The bowl has to be sturdy, as the jam will get very hot. Pyrex is fine, but I use an old-fashioned mixing bowl, a pottery one with a glazed inside. I’d be iffy about using plastic.
Check if your fruit has enough pectin in it. Pectin is the natural “glue” that makes jam set. Here’s a link that should tell you the pectin content of your fruit.
http://susan-morris.suite101.com/natural-pectin-content-of-berry-and-tree-fruits-a106156
If it’s low in pectin, you can add a lemon. Cut it into quarters and add it to the mix – but not yet!
You need:
A microwave – mine’s 850
Oven gloves – the bowl is very hot so be careful!
Two saucers or small plates
A bowl
1 1lb of fruit
1 1lb (or maybe just a bit less) of granulated sugar
A lemon
About two or three clean jars with lids.
Okay, here goes:
Put two saucers in the freezer. You’ll need them for testing the jam.
Chop the fruit, remove stones and stalks etc, and weigh it.
With a tidgy bit of water give it about 6 minutes at full power.
Take the bowl out of the microwave and add the same weight (or perhaps just a bit less) of sugar.
If necessary, add the quartered lemon.
Microwave at full power for 20-22 minutes, giving it a stir every now and then.
Now you have to test it. Take the cold saucer and spoon a bit of jam onto it. Leave it a minute or so, then see if it’s set. If it is set, the surface should wrinkle when it’s touched. If it’s not set, give the jam another 3 or 4 minutes. That’s where the second saucer comes in!
Then warm and sterilize the jars. The easiest way to do this is to put about a tablespoon of water in each jar and microwave the jars for a minute.
Then empty out the now hot water and spoon the jam into the warm jars. Put the lids on and bingo! Home made jam.
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