A Heroic Failure

I was poking around in the attic yesterday and came across a copy of a book I used to love so much it was like finding an old pal. Less startling, perhaps, than actually finding an old pal sitting dustily in the attic, waiting patiently for me to arrive, but fun all the same.

It’s The Book Of Heroic Failures, which was published at the end of the 1970s, championing the utterly incompetent in all their rich variety.  For instance, the most unsuccessful version of the Bible has to be the edition which was printed in 1631 by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas.  It was peppered with mistakes but the most glaring was the omission of the word “Not” from the seventh commandment (the adultery one) which would add a whole new slant to the dos and don’ts of family life.

My favourite is though, is the section Law and Order.  If we were having a real cup of tea/ glass of wine/hot Bovril/insert your favourite beverage here instead of a virtual cup of tea/ glass of wine/hot Bovril/insert your favourite beverage here together, I certainly tell you this tale, so consider yourself button-holed and sit back, sup up, and enjoy it.

In 1975, three bank robbers tackled the Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothsay.  It went wrong from the beginning, when the got stuck in the revolving doors and had to be helped free by the bank staff.  They sheepishly thanked everyone and left, to return a few minutes later and announced they were robbing the bank.  The trouble is, none of the staff believed them.  They demanded £5000, then, in the face of the head cashier’s increasing mirth, reduced the demand to £500, then to £50 and eventually to 50 pence.  By this time the head cashier could hardly control herself for laughter.

Then one of the men jumped over the counter, fell awkwardly, and writhed around on the floor, clutching his ankle.  The other two robbers made their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again, frantically pushing the wrong way.

Isn’t that wonderful?