It has, as you might have noticed if you’re reading this in dear old Blighty, been blinking cold lately. Perishing, in fact. This time last year, this was my island in the sun, this year it’s an Arctic wilderness. Spring has sprung, but, as you might say, the bearings have gone. Now, the thing is I, like many other people, have a repertoire of phrases to express the fact it’s cold.
It can be – as above - “perishing” or “parky”. I also use the occasional homely metaphor, such as “brass monkeys” (as in “it’s brass monkeys out there”) or “It’s as cold as a landlady’s heart”.
This is where my daughter Jennifer finds fault.
“Honestly, Mum,” she said. “What do you mean?”
“They’re well-known phrases,” I said, defensively.
“No, they’re not,” said the rest of the family, rounding on me. “For instance,” said Lucy, “what does “brass monkeys” mean?”
I explained.
It’s a little bit rude and made her say, “Well! Really...”
I felt crushed.
“You’re always coming out with stuff like that,” said Elspeth. “Weird sayings that no one else has ever heard of.”
“There’s a flea in your ear,” put in Jennifer, helpfully. “That’s one.”
The rest of the family demurred. That is a well known phrase.
“No it’s not,” argued Jenny. “You just make them up. Up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire, for instance, when we’re going to bed. Ne’re cast a clout till May be out. Something’s like a violin with one string. In and out like a fiddler’s elbow.”
“Up and down like a bride’s nighty,” I murmured, lowering the tone somewhat.
“And that one you say that you shouldn’t.”
“As queer as Dick’s hatband?”
“Mother!”
“But I just mean something’s odd, that’s all.”
“You still shouldn’t say it. Seriously, you just make them up. I can do it. For instance, I could say something like, when there’s crows in the tree, we’ll always have potatoes.
I thought that phrase was so inspired, it went straight into the repertoire. So now you know.
When there’s crows in the tree, we’ll always have potatoes...
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